


Work it out

by Wilkins0n15



Category: Atypical
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-01-24 02:34:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21330847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wilkins0n15/pseuds/Wilkins0n15
Summary: Casey’s thoughts throughout season three and on
Relationships: Casey Gardner/Izzie
Comments: 21
Kudos: 295





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well This is a new thing I can’t get out of my head.

The thing is, Casey doesn’t really do confused. Like she works things out pretty quick, usually after some bombastic act but still... she works it out. And as chaotic as her life seems it’s rooted in routine. The routine of chaos is something she used to hate and now reaches out for when it all seems too big. Thinks this is something solid that she can hold, trace out without thought and keep close when her mind becomes too much. 

And her summer has been nothing out of the ordinary... she runs every morning, and again in the afternoon. She runs to focus her thoughts by the rhythm of foot hitting pavement. Focuses enough to work out a plan, or at least an idea of a plan. An outline of something that she feels is solid enough to keep all this panic at bay.

And maybe she likes lists. it’s not that big of a deal. They’re comforting and everything about her life until now has been written down in lists. And she hates when the thought that what she liked about Evan at first was his reluctance to follow such a restrictive thing as a list. Maybe what she liked most about him was that he wasn’t regimented but steady, and how he seemed just out of place in her world. 

How freeing it was to not have to follow such strict rules to be with him. She didn’t need to take care of him, and instead felt uneasy in the way he paid such close attention to her. The way he made it seem okay for her to be angry or frustrated or something other than anxious, other than okay. 

That was until suddenly and out of nowhere he made her feel all of those things at once. 

It was easy until suddenly something, she wasn’t sure what, shifted. And she’d be dumb to say it wasn’t always there in the back of her mind. The things that made them just different enough to work so easily. For all her ambition to leave, to be away from the contradictions of home, both regimented and chaotic. He is steady and solid enough that she feels safe, safe enough to take her first steps outside of those drawn out boundaries. 

He is enough to ground her and keep her still when she feels so anxious, so ready to just run. And that’s the thing, where Sam and her dad and even Elsa make her feel tied down to this place. Bound by them and their lists, their rules to love them. Evan keeps her grounded, he checks her anger, her ego, her mapped out boundaries. He kept her tethered and safe when everything she knew fell apart. 

And she loved him for it. Loves. She loves him for it. She loved him easily and steadily. Loves. She loves him easily and steadily. Until suddenly it all shifted, slipped and fell out of grasp. And she loves him... but it doesn’t seem the same, it doesn’t seem to be enough.

She hates that, she hates that she feels like this.

It’s during her morning runs that she really thinks about it all. Let’s the thoughts run wild through her head. Coming in clips and pieces, all jagged and ripped along the edges with each step that she takes. And the rhythm is fast and hard, thudding against her ribs like something ready to explode. She runs until the thoughts and feelings all end. When being with Evan is the solid thing she needs to weigh her back down, keep her grounded. She runs for the sheer idea of running the thoughts out, replacing the ache in her stomach with the burn in her lungs. 

So she runs farther and longer each week, until it feels like everything inside of her settles. And she has a plan, or at least the idea of a plan. Or at least she thinks she has the memories sorted. Has traced the feelings and thoughts, placed them all in order until they make sense.

See it started before Clayton, before she met Izzie, when everything outside of her was shaken out of place. She was ready to stay... ready to put a limit on her thoughts and her dreams that all felt too big, too close to happening. But Evan stood firm enough that she felt safe. Safe enough to think that it was nothing more than a school. Safe enough to not think what it could mean, what it could do. Safe enough to not think of how going meant she was committing to the promise it held. 

It meant that she was going to leave here. She was going to go somewhere. She was going to get to be someone outside of her family. Who the hell that someone she is supposed to be, is still unclear. Still terrifying in its uncertainty. Who she’s supposed to work it all out with, whatever person she decides to let in, she’s unsure of. But what she’s worked out on her morning runs... is that Izzie is the embodiment of running. 

What she’s worked out is that from their first meeting, Izzie has been everything that Casey struggles to explain about why she loves to run. And it is terrifying how chaotic it makes her feel. Like she’s set in the blocks just waiting for the pistol to sound. Izzie is all she can focus on when she’s around her. She is always thinking of her in some way when she’s not. She is something that she knows and yet feels completely lost in. Izzie makes her feel anxious and unsure, she makes her feel... hungry. It’s the closest word she can think of to describe it.

So she’s come up with a plan, an idea of what she wants to do. And that plan, that idea is to let it happen... because she doesn’t feel like she can stop this. She tried once, tried to ignore it and all it brought was more confusion. All it brought was the realization that how she loved Evan was no where close to what she felt when she is with Izzie.

And she loves him, she does, she loves him like he’s someone that she needs and wants in her life. The problem is that she doesn’t know how to have him in her life in any other way than he already is. To think of him as something other than comfortable and steady. He’s comforting when she feels so unwillingly chaotic. And she could be happy with him... she’s been happy with him. Has been happy all summer, with the chaos around her seeming to settle into something close enough to normal.

So when she gets the text that Izzie’s home. It’s an immediate act that she doesn’t stop to think about. She just runs. She runs down the stairs, pausing to fix her hair. An uneasy excitement that feels too close to nerves forming in her stomach. Too close to the way she feels when she’s set in the blocks. And it’s stupid to feel like this. To think back to saying goodnight to her in the car. It’s stupid to think she’s missed her... can’t wait to see her.

“What’re you doing? You getting pretty for a run?” She doesn’t do things like this. She doesn’t fuss about her hair for someone else. She doesn’t care if she looks pretty or... hot. She wants to look hot, or good, good enough to make Izzie realize she’s missed her.

“What? No. Shut up.” So she runs. 

She runs and lets the thoughts come like they always do. The thoughts that she has always wanted to be close to her, to be near her. She thinks she can see it now, how she was always turned into her. Paying so much attention to everything she does. She thinks back to how Izzie let her in, kept her closer than everyone else. She thinks back to her room, how her stomach hurt just to see her. How the only thing she could pay attention to was the distance between them. 

She plays it over and over and over in her mind. Relives the panic she felt at thinking Izzie would think she could do something to hurt her. The panic she felt that she needed to fix it, make it better. Because that’s her job, her role in the family, to fix the panicked things before they tear everything apart. She thinks how it all seemed to shift, and the panic became something else, something new. How it became the thought that she wanted to kiss her. 

Everything about that moment became about kissing her. And it scared her... scared her how it didn’t feel wrong or nervous... or safe. It just felt like it was the only thing she could do.

And that’s what has been confusing her... that feeling like it was right. Like it was out of her control, to feel something so chaotic and not be scared. She wasn’t scared until Elsa came in, she wasn’t scared until they went downstairs. And she needed to know that it wasn’t because of Izzie. She needed to feel something else, something solid and safe. So she kissed Evan, the boy she loved. Loves. She kissed him and it didn’t feel anything like that. It felt exactly like it always did, like she was in control of herself.

But it stayed, at the back of her mind. And she remembers thinking that this must be what Sam feels like when he gets something stuck in his head. So she ignored it, she tried so hard to ignore it. But then they were driving, laughing about slurpees and stopping at every store she could think of to find the right one. All because Izzie had mentioned she wanted the cotton candy kind. And then they found it. They sat in the car with the radio off and suddenly the distance between them became the only thing Casey could focus on. Only then did she think she could be brave enough to say something. Only then did she feel like she needed to say something, anything to make the sudden panic that felt like nerves settle back into something she could handle. Only when she felt izzie’s hand lock into her own did it let up.

Only then did she feel her muscles tense, like they do when she leans back into the blocks, ready to push out. Only then did it feel like everything about her and Izzie make sense.

They haven’t seen each other since then... and she’s made a plan. Sorted out all the moments that lead up to that moment into a mental list. One she could read over and make sense of... one that says she needs to see her. She just needs to see her, see if this tension will break or fade. But what happens instead is she panics, feels it cool into her stomach like nerves at the sight of her waiting at the corner. 

And it happens all at once and not at all. The nerves giving way to relief, relief that she’s there. Relief that she can be next to her again... and then a hyper awareness to that distance they keep between them. How close yet far it is, it’s all that she can focus on. And she thinks she wants to work this out, make sense of it. She wants to know that feeling again, of being so sure that she wants to hold her hand. That feeling that she wants to kiss her.

Until, “I’m so glad I have a friend like you.” That hits low like a punch to her stomach. 

Throwing everything she thought she worked out back into a chaotic mess. So she pushes it to the back of her mind, finds something steady in the rhythm they quickly fall back into. The rhythm she had thought hinted towards something more than friendship. And she wants to say it feels right, familiar and okay. She wants it to feel okay... but it doesn’t. It’s confusing. And Casey hates feeling so confused. So out of control of her emotions.

She hates that at times it feels like nothing has changed between them. Neither hesitate to sit close. To ask questions that if asked by anyone else they would laugh off and ignore. She hates how there seems to be moments when it all seems too much, and they’re suddenly too close or stuck just on the other side of some line. Some boundary they’ve drawn in the air between them. A boundary that feels like it’s something she wants to cross when Izzie says or does something that awes her. 

Something like talk about the cities she wants to live in. Cities that Casey can picture both of them in. Or when she gives firm the goal of UCLA, a set place on the other side of the country. When she talks about them going together, like Izzie thinks of them together when dreaming about being somewhere else. It makes those thoughts that Casey was so sure of in the summer come rushing back. And she panics when she realizes that she can’t picture Evan there with them. 

She panics at the thought of everything changing so fast, so sudden. That she would be left alone with these chaotic feelings. Alone with Izzie, who lists out the things they need to do, will do to get to L.A. Like it could be that easy, that familiar.

And she doesn’t know when she stopped really talking about Evan to Izzie. But she did, and the thing that drives her crazy. The thing that makes her anxious and feeling uneven, is the fact that she knows why she did. The root of which is that they don’t talk about it, this thing between them. They never even acknowledge it. And to say that the things that have been collecting in her mind, the small things that she used to be able to brush off. Well they sit in the back of her mind in the worse possible way. They form into comparisons between Evan and Izzie, between what she knows and the things she wants. 

So she doesn’t know what makes her say it when they’re out exploring thrifts stores. She doesn’t know why she’s there with Izzie when she knows Evan is available. But she does say it, lets it sit in the air between them as she focuses on the rack in front of her. Pretends she doesn’t notice how Izzie steps just a little closer instead of saying anything in response. So instead she invites her to the dinner party. Plays it off as nothing more than what they used to do, when they were just friends. Reminds herself that they’re just friends. Reminds herself that she’s still with Evan. 

They are just friends. But the line that they’ve been ignoring, the one they’ve been straddling, blurs. And it feels big how easy it is to just step on it, over it when they’re sat next to each other at the table. It feels like they’re not pretending when they’re alone in the kitchen. And Casey forces herself to step back over it, to bring up Evan as a way to confirm that the line is there. That there is something there to keep them as just friends. And if it feels like she’s caught walking it like a tight rope when he shows up. If she feels caught in between them, in between staying and something more. Then she’ll say it’s because of zahid’s new girlfriend. 

If she latches on to being angry, pretends she’s angry because Izzie spoke out of turn to Evan. Because Izzie voiced one of the things that’s been building between her and him. She’ll hold it all in, focus on it instead of everything else she’s feeling and thinking. But it slips away and fades as soon as Izzie doesn’t show up for class. And the only thing that Casey can focus on is that something’s wrong. Something is wrong with Izzie and she wants to be there for her. She wants to work it out and make it okay for her. So she does the only thing she can think of, she reaches out, even though she feels helpless. Even though she feels uncertain and scared, she just needs Izzie to know that she’s still here for her. That nothing else matters but being here for her.

And she doesn’t think about the consequences of doing this. Of asking her to be honest and vulnerable in the way they’ve been avoiding. She doesn’t think that she’s asking her to talk about it, this thing between them. This thing that won’t go away and only seems to be growing. Getting bigger and bigger in her chest like it’s something that could explode. Like her lungs and heart and ribs could burst at any second. She sits there thinking of all the times she’s thought of this moment. When she’s thought of what she’d say or do. And she wants to stop it from happening, she wants to just focus on what’s bothering her. On what she can do to make Izzie feel better. And she tries to keep them from going there, tries to give her an out. But Izzie doesn’t take it... no instead she says the most terrifying thing that Casey has ever heard. 

She says it’s real. 

She puts it out there and leaves it for Casey to grab hold of. She defines it and makes it real, makes these feelings make sense. Makes it known that Casey isn’t alone in this. And it scares her too much to speak, it keeps her rooted to the spot as the feelings she’s been trying to hold down in the pit of her stomach explode. She says “you know why,” and it’s the pistol shot she’s been waiting for. 

But for once she doesn’t move, doesn’t react to it’s sound. She just lets it’s echo settle over her, lets the feelings weigh down into her core. 

She had a plan for this... they were going to talk it out when Izzie came back from Florida. She was going to see her and know if being around her really felt the way it did in the car. If she was really brave enough to grab hold of her hand. She was going to tell her, tell her how anxious she makes her. How sudden it hits when they’re together, the want to be closer to her. The want to touch her, to hold her hand and pull her closer. She was going to tell her how heavy the air feels when they’re alone. How she feels like they’re alone even when they’re not. Like Izzie is the only thing she can see and she has to fight to stay focused on the things around them.

She wanted to brush her hair behind her ear, wrap her arms around her shoulders. Feel her breath against her neck, put her hand on her waist. 

She’s thought of kissing her.

She’s questioned what her lips feel like, what they taste like. She’s compared every kiss with Evan to that fantasy. Has found it running wild in her head, keeping her at a distance from him. And she knows he’s noticed, has been playing off his questions of what’s wrong. Grown irritated the most by them, by the answer being that what’s wrong is that she’s thinking of Izzie. She’s thought of Izzie. 

And now... now she knows izzie has thought of it too. She knows that izzie’s been just as cautious, just as aware of every step they’re taking. She knows that izzie is saying that she’s there, right next to her on the other side of this boundary they’ve been ignoring. And she can’t sleep knowing that she can touch her. She can’t sleep knowing that she feels this too. She can’t sleep when the only thing keeping her from leaning in to kiss her is the fact that she chose Evan. 

Evan who is kind, and patient. Who is her best friend, her comfort. Evan who is comfortable, and has never made her feel so chaotic. So bold in her thoughts. Evan who has never made her feel like everything is about to change. 

So Casey runs. She runs and runs and runs hoping to keep her distance from all of this. Hopes to out run the thoughts, the feelings... the want. She runs to keep herself on this tight rope of a boundary, to keep herself from falling towards izzie. Because that’s what it feels like she’s doing, falling. 

She reaches out to Evan hoping he’d keep her steady, keep her in place. But instead he tells her to go, tells her to find her. That she wants her. And she shouldn’t be angry that he doesn’t know what he’s saying to do. She shouldn’t be angry at him for not knowing what she’s been fighting. She shouldn’t be angry at him for being so scared. For wanting to run to her.

Casey works things out by running until she’s too tired to think. She works things out by replacing all these feelings and thoughts with the burn in her lungs. She runs until she can’t run anymore.. and then out of nowhere, izzie is there. Izzie is there and upset. she’s there giving a voice to it all. She’s there asking Casey to just be her friend. she’s there finally saying it. And it starts in the pit of her stomach when she first sees her. Sits hard and thick in her throat as izzie near cries. 

And she can’t stop it when izzie says she doesn’t feel the same. She can’t stop it from happening anymore, so she doesn’t. She kisses her. 

She kisses her.

She kisses her and it’s everything. Everything she thought it would be. She kisses her and it’s more than she thought it would be. And she can’t think, just feels. Feels everything breaking and shifting. She feels... like she’s jumped. Certain in where she’ll land. Certain that she doesn’t want this to stop. So she keeps kissing her... because honestly she can’t stop now that she’s started. She can’t stop from pulling her closer, from wanting to be closer. Needing to be closer. 

And it clicks. 

What she’s been trying to work out. It all clicks into place. The thing about izzie, the thing she worked out in the summer, is that izzie is something big. She’s the embodiment of everything that Casey wants. And nothing else exists or matters. 

And it’s laughable now. How they’ve been such idiots ignoring this for so long. It’s laughable how easy it is to say how confused she’s been. How scared she was. It’s exciting to know that izzie has felt all of that. It’s exciting how much she wants to kiss her again. How she never wants to be not be kissing her. 

And then it all comes crashing down when Beth calls her name. It all comes crashing down and she knows her answer. Knows she’s made her decision when she kissed her... but it doesn’t hurt any less. It doesn’t hurt any less to think she has to tell him. It isn’t any less scary how it’s all going to change. 

And it sits in her stomach, coiled tight and heavy in her lungs. The thought that she’s about to hurt him. It hits like a punch when she thinks that it hurts to end it. But she does, she does end it. Because he deserves that. After everything he deserves the truth... that as much as she loves him, as much as she wants him in her life. She can’t be his. She isn’t the Casey that fell in love with him.

She makes a list of the things she misses about him. She realizes that he was everything she wanted, everything she needed until suddenly he wasn’t. And none of those reasons are his fault. So she wallows in missing him. In missing talking to him, texting him, she misses the hole that he leaves in the routine of her life. She wallows in the fact that him being gone isn’t as shocking as she thought it would be. Realizes how focused she’s been on izzie that their routine, hers and Evan’s, has slowly changed. To the point that him being gone completely isn’t as noticeable. But it hurts as if there were a hole ripped out of her life. A whole person just suddenly gone.

And it hurts how it feels so... right. To be lying in bed, izzie’s feet in her lap. It feels right to feel izzie staring at her without hesitation. It hurts her to feel her heart beat double when izzie lets her place her hand on her calf. How her body hums, like every nerve is suddenly awake when Izzie doesn’t move way. How her muscles flex tense and then relax under her finger tips. It hurts because she never felt this way with Evan. 

And she feels like she let him down again, in some way she feels like she’s hurt him for so long. But that slips from her mind when she hears izzie say she’s “biased.” Feels a warm heat run from finger to toes at the idea that she likes her back.

And the way it feels walking her to the door? Like she’s nervous all over again, nervous to say goodbye. Nervous because she wants to kiss her. she keeps it in out of habit, but only for a second because she can feel how nervous Izzie is too. She hugs her like she always does, steps back before giving in and kissing her. 

Thinks She can kiss her now. 

It’s not until Sam asks if she’s her girlfriend that she realizes... Izzie’s a girl. She’s a girl and that means a lot of things she hasn’t really focused on. Things she hasn’t really cared about because she just wants her. And the panic, the fear, comes sudden until Sam shows her Sven and magic. It comes and then goes because he doesn’t care that they’re two girls. he just cares that she’s his sister. 

She doesn’t think about any of what it means to be with Izzie, a girl, because she only cares that she’s finally with her. Knows Elsa doesn’t care as long Casey is okay. And she realizes that even though she misses Evan, the person who’s been her constant for a year. She’s okay.

So it’s confusing when Izzie is suddenly not there. When she seems to have jumped away from her, like Casey scares her. It’s confusing to think that Izzie only wants part of her, hidden away. It’s confusing and it hurts. It hurts to think she has to stay on this side of the boundary again. 

she tells Sharice all of this, she lists it all down to try to work it out. To make sense of it. Feels like Izzie isn’t being fair when she says she’s unsure of who is she is. She isn’t sure either. She’s confused by it too. The only thing she does know for certain, is that izzie makes her feel so... free. Like she’s running towards something and not from somewhere. 

And she can’t help that izzie’s all she can focus on when they’re dancing. She can’t help but not care about everyone else in the room. She doesn’t see them, doesn’t hear them. All she knows is that she wants to be closer. Wants to keep dancing with her. She wants to kiss her. 

It’s a punch that knocks her back, the way izzie pulls away. The way she looks anxious and scared, like she’s overwhelmed her. And she needs her to know, that she won’t won’t do anything to hurt her, to scare her. That she’s afraid she’s overstepped and pushed her away. 

She hates how sudden it all changes. Watching izzie kiss some boy instead of her. How she feels all those things again, feels not enough. She hates how chaotic she feels watching her kiss him. So she questions it all as it sits uneasy in her stomach. How it hurts, like she’s ran too far too fast for her lungs to keep air in them.

So she keeps her distance from her. Because she hates how izzie can make her feel like this. She rides home with her parents, ignores the texts and phone call from her. Tries to let the idea that she gave up everything she knew for a girl who makes her feel chaotic sink in. And when she sees her the next day, it’s like any other fight they’ve had. Only she refuses to let her feel anything other than anger. She refuses to feel anything other than anger. 

Until she kisses her. 

Sudden and somehow slow in the middle of the school hallway. And she’s confused yet again by her, confused by how much she wants her. How unsure she is of who she’s supposed to be to her. But then she holds her hand without hesitation. Holds it firm and all Casey can think is that she has to be able to feel her pulse racing. 

And she likes lists, it’s a comfort thing okay. Doesn’t matter. She likes lists because her whole life has revolved around them. They’ve sorted the chaos of her family, made it easy for them to work all the different pieces out. So she lists the cons of UCLA, she lists the pros... she lists them all without the idea of izzie in them. Because she needs to decide if she can do this, if she can be brave enough, strong enough to do it all. 

She seeks out all those people on the periphery of her world, the ones that straddle the lines of the boundaries they set so long ago. She seeks out Evan, feels the ache of missing him. Of not having him there to talk to, to help sort it all out. Finds him calm and steady like always, patient in telling her to go. Telling her that it’ll be worth it. So she does. 

She kisses izzie in the hallway of their school. Kisses her like she’s worked it all out. Like it’s just part of her routine now.


	2. Focus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey’s distracted and she likes to think she knows why. Likes to think she’s worked out why, she just isn’t sure of how to act on it.

So the thing is... everyone has always teased them about how close they are. Joked about how they’re pretty much soul mates or married. They always expect one to know where the other is, they expect them to always be close by each other. So the whole showing up to practice while holding hands? It’s nothing really new. They don’t even bat an eye or question it, they just let them do their thing. 

And maybe it annoys Casey. that people aren’t making this as big a thing as it feels. Maybe she thought they’d at least be asked about it. She knows they know, I mean they’ve kissed in the halls, and she can’t explain it but there seems to be like a pull now. Kind of like this tugging knot in her stomach that she imagines is what gravity feels like if you really paid attention to it. 

maybe she’s okay with no one making a big deal about this because that made no sense. But it’s the closest way she can describe it, this kind of force that just pulls all her attention to izzie. And she isn’t even aware it’s happening until you know... izzie stares back with that kind of half smile she does. She doesn’t mean to be distracted, isn’t aware that she’s only half paying attention to the world around them. She isn’t aware that they’re kind of lost in a day dream or something like it. Didn’t think it could be like this, feel like this.

So when coach finally calls her out on it, “Gardner!” when she’s half paying attention to her talking. 

Aware that she’s speaking but the words not registering, not holding her attention like the way izzie is. She thinks that this is... a lot. To feel all of this constantly, it’s a lot. And she has no way of putting it into words that make sense. She has no way of not focusing on her.

“Gardner you want to join us today or do I have to send you home again?” And she feels herself blush. Which is something she doesn’t do. Casey is not the blushing type. But here she is, caught staring at izzie, blushing in the middle of the team huddle.

“No I’m good. I’m here.” She hates the look the coach gives her, like she’s just some teen with a crush. 

she doesn’t hate the way that izzie looks away, half smile on her face, like she knows why she’s distracted. She doesn’t hate the way she feels nervous but calm, more excited than anything. She does hate the way everyone kind of smirks at her. Thinks that yeah they know, and they’re not going to question them on it. They are going to tease them though. So she does the only thing she can think of, she runs. 

Ignores them all and jogs out to the track, focusing on the laps she’s meant to do. Thinks that this is her new normal, struggling to keep focused around someone that’s more than just a friend. And she feels her next to her before she actually is, can feel her coming closer. Like the pull in her stomach has lessened, grown loose and calm.

“You seem distracted today Newton.” Thinks that she says it while wearing that half smile that always seems to be there. 

“Something like that.” She kind of hates how easily she can pull a smile from her while she stutters in her step until they’re running in stride with each other. 

Casey takes note of izzie’s arm brushing against hers, once and then twice before they fall into place. They run in silence, both fighting to keep focus on their pace, their breathing. Keeping enough distance from each other so as not to get tangled. So as not to disrupt what they’re meant to do. But the thing about them, the thing that Casey has learned they’ve both been struggling with, is that they can’t seem to not be focused on each other. So when Izzie’s stride stretches just a bit farther, her step bigger. Casey’s body reacts all on its own, immediately matching it. 

And the thoughts come, even with izzie running right next to her. The thoughts that she just really, really likes her. She likes in her a completely different way than she did Evan. She likes her in a way she never thought someone could like another person. She doesn’t want to really define why, when the only answer that she can come up with is that it’s because she’s who she is. She’s izzie, nothing less and nothing more than that.

She lets the thoughts fade into focusing on the distance between them. On the swing of their arms being near in perfect sink. She pays attention first to her feet hitting the track, the rhythm they’ve seemed to have created. Then she pays attention to the sound of Izzie’s feet hitting the track, within the same beat as her own but not yet perfect. She pays attention to the bits of pieces she can see of her face out of the corner of her eye. How she first notices her eyes, then her mouth and the way her lips are just parted. And finally she takes note of the fly away hairs that glow soft in the sun, rebelling against her ponytail. 

Maybe the thing that’s been distracting her so much is that she wants to kiss her. She wants to stop her, grab hold of her elbow and let her fingers trail down until they’re between her own. Until they’re palm to palm, and she can pull her close, or step closer, it doesn’t seem to matter which. She wants to feel the pulse of her neck in her grasp, trace her jawline with her thumb, tilt her chin until she can kiss her. Properly and completely kiss her. She wants so much to kiss her. 

It’s a feeling, not a thought, that intensifies in the pit of her stomach when they pass the mile marker. It bursts like flares of heat, licking finger tips, singing the edges of her mind. Neither aware that they step closer to each other, turn into each other’s space as they move to stretch. Neither aware of the rest of the team following them, surrounding them. 

The thing that Casey has really been struggling with, now that she’s sure of her place in this whole thing. Is the when, the when she can act on these feelings, these thoughts. Knows they’ve silently agreed to set boundaries in place when it comes to the team. Neither willing to compromise the others place on it, neither willing to take the brunt of the teasing. Both falling into some ease of staying sure on either side of that line. Making sure to step back over when they feel too close, like they’re about to over step. It’s how they navigate the rest of practice, making sure to give each other just enough space to focus on the periphery of each other. This is their new routine... until practice ends. And Casey lingers on the track trying to keep her heart rate under control.

She stands still in the middle lane, breathing deep and slow as she watches everyone, Izzie, gather their things. Lists the things about her that she finds distracting, thinks that there is something else to it all. Thinks back to when she stood in this spot in the middle of the night, how all she could think to do was kiss her. Not out of just the want to kiss her, but the want to know. To know if it would be worth it all, if it would really answer any of the questions she had. She kissed her out of the want to explain how izzie made her feel. Thinks that’s what the other distracting thing is. 

Everything behind the act of kissing Izzie. 

Despite always feeling the want to kiss her, they’ve only kissed just over a handful of times. She thinks about that a lot. How they’ve kissed six times and only in such intense moments. They’ve kissed with the intention to work something out, or to proving something. Like when she kissed her in this spot on the track, after being too scared to be around her. After scaring herself with the thought that she wouldn’t be able to not kiss her. She wouldn’t be able to control her thoughts, feelings or actions once Izzie named this. This thing they’re doing. 

She almost kissed her immediately after when they were sat on the curb of some corner store. When they were so open about everything they’d been ignoring. So open about everything they were feeling. She had wanted to kiss her to solidify exactly what they were hinting at. She didn’t though, and it kept them in this weird kind of dance. One where they were so caught up in the act of being less cautious with each other. 

They stayed in a place where they didn’t hesitate to touch, to stare or step too close. They acted on the small impulses that had kept them just out of reach of what they had wanted before. Casey didn’t stop to pause or think about putting her hand on Izzie’s leg. Whether it was to pull her feet into her lap, or as a way to just be connected to her. As a way to ease the pull in her chest, her stomach, her head. the kiss was short, it was nervous and awkward but in the best way possible. 

It was one of those kisses that are done quick and fast because you know you can, and you know you really want too, but doing it makes you too... happy. It was awkward because neither of them could stop from smiling into it. It was the kiss she had wanted to give her on the curb of that parking lot. A kiss to say she does, she does really like her and that it wasn’t just a thing. It wasn’t just a one time thing, Casey wanting to kiss her wasn’t a fleeting thought. She wasn’t, isn’t scared, to do it anymore... she’s just nervous. Nervous knowing that izzie wants to kiss her back, that at any time they can.

She shakes it off, leans down to stretch all this kinetic energy trapped in her chest out. Feels it too close to how she felt in the hall after regionals. Feels it in her stomach as an ache, the kind you feel when you move. When you breathe too deep, like it’s a bruise from a punch, a kick. She thinks how dumb she felt, how chaotic and angry she was at herself. Thinks how determined she was to walk away, set to ignore all of it after just getting a taste of it. But then izzie called her name.

“Newton.” Izzie called her name and kissed her, like she meant to. Like she wasn’t scared, or hesitant. She called her name, “Newton... Casey, you okay?”

Turning to her, feeling slightly dazed by everything. She thinks of how she kissed her in the halls to prove to her that she isn’t scared. She kissed her in the hall because everything she wants is going to be hard to get, to keep. And if there’s anything her life has been up until this moment... it’s been hard and chaotic. So liking her, being with her, is nothing out of the ordinary. Them being together is nothing out of the ordinary.

“Yeah. I’m fine... just spacing out.” She stretches tall before letting her arms fall around her shoulders. She pulls her in, muscles tensing as her hands fall first to her hips before they slide along her ribs finally resting firm on her back. “Ready to go?” 

Hides the shiver Izzie’s breath on her neck tears out of her by pulling her closer. Wanting to be closer. Thinks it’s a lot to feel this so consistently, the want to be closer. They both breathe deep but slow, arms tightening, as Izzie lays her lips to the hollow of Casey’s neck. And it’s not a kiss, just a resting of her lips against her skin. And it settles all those thoughts, all those feelings into something warm. Not hot like before, but into something comforting. 

Casey thinks that what they’ve decided to do, what they’ve become is expressed so simply in this act. 

“Aw look at them... they’re grossly cute together.” Hears the laugh rumble out amongst their teammates as she turns to hide her blush in Izzie’s hair. 

She lets her pull away, follows close as they move to gather their bags. Let’s her hand sway between them, daring to brush against her hand as they walk until suddenly it slides into place, palm against palm, fingers locked. Thinks she must feel the way her pulse is racing, wonders if she can play it off as being due to practice.

They separate in the locker room, both keeping their eyes away from each other as they dress. Casey wonders if Izzie is doing it because of their teammates or if she feels like it’s too much too. Let’s her mind wonder to thoughts of seeing her so exposed in a different setting. Wonders what it would be like to see her so exposed all alone. 

Izzie is the first to leave with a quick glance, that half smile still playing across her lips. And Casey takes the moment alone to gather what she can, make sense of what she’s feeling before stepping out into the hall. Before walking past her, hand reaching out for hers. 

“So what do you want to do?” Kiss you, is the answer Casey wants to say. But instead she lets it linger into the back of her mind. 

Says instead, “food dude. I’m starving.” 

“Ha. When aren’t you?” Likes how she pushes her shoulder into her, like she wants to be closer. 

“Like you’re any better... my place?” Hates how hard it is to not smile when around her. 

“Lead the way.” Takes the keys from Izzie’s hand, like this is something ordinary, just a part of their routine.

They drive while listening to the radio, arguing over which station to listen to. Fighting between which song to just listen to and which to sing along to. Neither paying much attention to how long they stare at each other, or to how their glances drop to the others mouth. What they do note is the number of times they reach out to touch. Whether it’s when Casey tries to pull Izzie’s hand away from the radio dial when she hears a song she likes. Or when Izzie hits Casey’s hand as she tries to change the station just before a song ends. 

The thing they note is how they move to hold hands when the car is idle at a stop light. 

They don’t hold hands as they walk into Casey’s house out of some unspoken agreement that they don’t want to have that conversation with Elsa. Elsa who has taken randomly to walking into whatever room they’re in without notice. Elsa who has suddenly decided that she needs to leave the door open whenever she leaves said room. They’ve decided not to bring it up to Casey’s dad, who has suddenly started questioning what they’re doing or where they’re going. And they all know why, but neither want to be forced into that conversation. 

So they walk in like they always did, with Izzie just behind her, pushing her through the door laughing. What they’re met with today is Sam pacing in the living room, his work shirt on. He stops to look at them before continuing back and forth, annoyed they’re not who he’s waiting for.

“Whoa weird wind up toy. What’re you doing?” 

“Paige is late picking me up. Which means I’m going to be late and I don’t like being late.” He’s not angry sounding, just tense and Casey steps forward with Izzie’s car keys still in hand. 

“She’s probably on her way, if not we’ll give you a ride.” Izzie offers it before Casey can even form the words, and it makes her look back at her. Makes her think she’s kind of amazing.

“No she said she has to drive me, and even though she’s less angry now it’s still annoying.” He stops at the sound of a car pulling up, rushing to the door before the engine cuts. “We have 17 minutes to drive to techopolis, and that’s without any red lights.”

He yells it as a greeting, closing the door firmly behind him, leaving them alone in the house. And the immediate thought in Casey’s mind is that they’ve only kissed good bye twice since she said she wants this. Easy or not she wants this. They’ve only kissed good bye since. 

“Well he’s tense today.” Thinks he’s not the only one when Izzie turns to her.

Thinks she understands his need to pace when Izzie leans into her. She feels like it’s a lot, being left alone with Izzie when all she can think of is kissing her. 

“Hungry?” Walks quickly to the kitchen so as to create space between them. Focuses on finding something, anything, quick and easy to make. 

“What’s up with you today?” Hates that she sounds hesitant, worried. 

“Nothings up. Just super hungry.” Opts first the vegetable straws instead of the cookies, hopes they’re the healthier choice. Ignores the pull in her stomach as Izzie moves about the room behind her. Ignores the way she can sense where she is, feel the tension between them. “Think coach would yell at me if we eat these?”

“Would that stop you?” Thinks it’s cute when Izzie quirks one eyebrow.

“Nah.” Thinks she likes making Izzie smile like that. “Drinks?”

“Whatever you’ve got Newton.” When she’s grabbed two gatorades and finds no other reason to keep distant she turns to her. Finds her leaning against the counter by the doorway, both hands playing with her backpack straps. 

Wonders why it feels so different today when they’ve done this a hundred times before. She shakes it from her mind, sighs slowly before handing a bottle over, careful when she feels her fingers brushing her own. That feeling settling deep into her stomach again. Her mind racing over the idea of the distance between them. How she wants to be closer to her... she’s not sure how to be closer. 

That is until Izzie stands tall, shifts so that her hand falls to Casey’s stomach. Her touch light, barely finger tips brushing shirt. But it’s enough to make her mind stutter to a stop. Casey can kiss her if she leans just a little closer... she isn’t sure why she doesn’t. Just thinks that Izzie’s lipgloss is tinted red not pink today. 

The sound of a car door slamming pulls them apart. Makes them search the room for anything but each other’s gaze. Casey’s never been this dumb before, never overthought every little thing she wants to do. Doesn’t know what she’s meant to do when she feels like this. So she rolls her eyes and makes her mind up as she grabs Izzie’s hand. Pulls her towards the staircase as her parents walk in. 

“Oh Casey you’re home. Want to grab the-“ Rushes up the stairs in hopes they won’t notice them holding hands. 

“Sorry can’t, have to study. Bye.” Ignores the way her mom rolls her eyes. 

“What-what’re you two studying for?” Wants to run from her dad’s sudden interest in her schoolwork. 

“Things EMT’s can’t help with.” Yells it over her shoulder as she steps onto the landing, turning to make sure she’s still in step with her. Blushing at the way Izzie is trying not to laugh at her. 

She drops her hand when they walk into her bedroom. Focuses on dropping the food on her bed before shrugging off her bag. Focuses on anything but the pull in her stomach. Focuses on the way Izzie leaves the door just opened enough for some sort of privacy. She counts the steps she takes, watches her hands as they remove her backpack. Wonders why she’s so nervous to just kiss her. 

“Well that was entertaining.” She stands still, feeling set in the blocks again, as she waits for Izzie to come closer. “Newton....” lets the way she says her name make her choice for her. Thinks it can be easy, all she has to do is let it happen. So she does, as scared as it makes her, she lets Izzie step closer. Steps into her like it’s easy, placing one hand on her side. Breathing in slow her perfume, pausing to let herself look at her. “What’s going on with you today?”

They’ve fallen into this routine easily. Filling the spaces between them they had worked so hard to keep before, before they were brave enough to admit it all. And Casey wants to know why she’s so hesitant to just kiss her. Thinks she knows why, blames it on the nerves that run electric around them. She stops thinking at Izzie’s touch on her arms, she stops thinking when she blinks slow. Eyes opening to glance her lips, her body leaning in. She stops thinking and just feels her breath against her neck, her chin, her mouth. 

She stops thinking when they kiss. 

The thing about kissing Izzie, is that she doesn’t want to stop. The thing about kissing Izzie is that it feels new every single time. It feels like something clicks, and she can’t stop, doesn’t want to stop. It feels like everything is raw, and she can’t get close enough to her, she needs to be closer. Kissing Izzie feels like it’s all too much and not enough at the same time. 

“Hey girls.” They both jump a step away, hands falling to sides and fumbling to focus on something else as Elsa pushes the door open. She steps just into the door way, awkward and over eager. “Just wondering what you both want for dinner.”

And Casey feels dazed, as if torn from a day dream. She’s slow to notice Izzie looking anywhere but her or Elsa. She’s slow to annoyance at her mother, who just stands hovering in the doorway. 

“Mom... knock.” Thinks her determined to intrude on every moment of her life. 

“Hmm no. Don’t think I can do that in my own house.” She wants to just melt in between the floor boards rather than have this conversation. “So food, dinner, I was thinking something Cajun or maybe Greek... what do you think izzie?”

Thinks she’s okay with leaving Izzie to deal with this whole embarrassing moment on her own. Just as long as she doesn’t have to. 

“Uhh either one sounds good to me Mrs. Gardner.” She glances over to her out of the corner of her eye, notes the flush to her cheeks. The nervous twist of her fingers... thinks she’s cute in the moment. 

“Okay. Well I’ll let you know when it’s done.” She lingers before stepping in toward the pile of clothes on Casey’s floor. “Casey I’ve told you over and over to put your track stuff in the hamper as soon as you get home.”

“Elsa I’ve got company, go away.” She stumbles over her bag in her hurry to end her humiliation. 

Rushing to push her mother out as Izzie fights to keep from laughing. She manages to close the door, her back against it as she dares to make eye contact with Izzie. Thinks all she wants to do is kiss her girlfriend without something stopping them. 

“Newton your face,” she stands up from the door as Izzy moves towards her. “You’re blushing.”

“I’m blushing? You’re as red as a tomato.” Thinks it’s all so easy as long they’re alone. Steps carefully back into Izzy, all focus back onto being as close to her as possible. Kisses her slow and deliberately before pulling back. “Either one sounds good to me mrs. Gardner.” 

Mimics her like nothing has changed between them.

“Shut up, nerd.” Thinks it all feels like it’s a lot, before the door clicks open. Before she can hear her mother on the other side yell. 

“Door stays open when Izzie’s over.” She lets her head fall to her shoulder in frustration. 

Wonders why she wanted anyone to make a big deal about this.


	3. Slow

Izzie talked about going slow, and you know Casey was totally cool with that because this whole thing, it’s kind of intense. From the first almost kiss to kissing on the track, and honestly every kiss after that, it’s been... overwhelming. Everything about Izzie is overwhelming, and Casey is obsessed with getting to know all of everything about Izzie that overwhelms her. And don’t get her wrong, she loves the other parts of this.

She loves how casually Izzie leans into her, or around her, when they’re in the halls, at lunch or just hanging out. She loves how she kind of just relaxes into her, loves that it never feels awkward. Her favourite thing though, is when Casey gets to lean into her, let her head fall into her lap. Casey’s favourite thing is when Izzie idly plays with her hair with her head cradled in her lap or on her stomach. She loves when Izzie’s legs are tangled over, under, or between her own. She loves the way that Izzie seems to fit into the space around her.

And yeah sometimes those moments are super overwhelming, but in a very different way. They’re this heavy and warm kind of sensation that fills all the spaces inside her. Make her breath slow, the air heavy and this sudden and intense thought of how much she likes her. Because she really, really and I mean really, likes her. Which is why she’s totally okay with working everything out between them slowly, comfortably... slowly.

And they have... it took a little while to get comfortable with idea that they could kiss each other. It took awhile to work through the nerves and overwrought awkwardness that would come out of nowhere when they realized the lack of distance between them. They’ve taken it slow... gotten used to being able to just reach out and hold each other’s hands. They’ve taken their time getting to know each other in this whole new thing between them. They’ve taken their time in this... until the moments when it’s becomes too much. Moments when it’s all overwhelming. 

And it’s those moments that are new, those moments that Casey has become obsessed with. When the nerves of taking the first step, of being the one to lean in faded and it was only about being close. About trying to convey just exactly what it is that Izzie makes her feel through a kiss. Through hands that seem to reach and grab for any part of the other they can. As they move from the pulse of necks, from the curve of hips to the dip of their backs. 

Casey thinks that somehow, in some way aside from the hardened muscles. the sharp lines of collarbones and cheek bones, Izzie is impossibly soft. From her touch to the bits of skin that Casey has dared to touch, she is soft. 

Another thing that Casey has become obsessed with, is how good she smells. Clean and warm mixed with something that smells sweet, like honey. Her hair, especially when drying after practice, smells of rain and flowers. She thinks that there is bewitching about the way she smells. Like it all mixes into a scent that is purely her, one that she could never recreate if she tried. 

It’s oddly warm the day they skip out on lunch with the team to spend it on the field. Alone, with random things they bought from the canteen. A mix of fruit, granola bars, and m&m’s all that they thought to buy. They’re just laying there talking about nothing really. The way their history teacher had his shirt missed buttoned. A song that Izzie’s been playing on repeat. What movie they’re wanting to watch later. It’s nothing out of the ordinary, nothing they never talked about when they were just friends. But there is an intimacy to it that overwhelms Casey. 

Izzie’s turned into her, her head on her shoulder, their legs tangled. It’s the way that Izzie lets her hand rest on Casey’s stomach. Palm flat, fingers curling and pressing firm every so often. Pressing firm like she needs to make sure that Casey is real. Casey’s own hand is under Izzie’s jacket, fingers playing with her shirt tucked into the skirt. The thought of tugging on it, untucking it running through her mind. 

It’s all so simple how it plays out, with izzie chewing on her bottom lip. Her smile threatening to break, that has Casey thinking this is another thing she’s become obsessed with. The way she lets it build, how she plays with her by biting her lip. How she lets her hand move across her stomach, stopping to play with one of her shirt buttons. The act of which causes Casey to stop playing with her shirt and press firm against her side. How slow but deliberate they move, nose pressing cheek, breath light and shallow. 

“I really like you Newton.” She says it low and quiet, forms it against the skin of her jaw, her eyes on Casey’s lips. 

“I really like you.” The kiss is slow and deliberate, a firm pressing of lips against lips. 

there’s something different to this kiss, an urgency that Casey tries to fight against, tries to contain. It’s a fight she loses as izzie pulls on her shirt to bring her closer, and they find themselves shifting, moving just so to be closer. And it’s urgent how izzie licks at her bottom lip, and they fall deeper into the kiss. Their touch’s becoming harder, and they fall into this push and pull against each other. Until Casey finds herself pushing izzie onto her back. Until she finds herself hovering over her, breath coming in ragged and clipped against Izzie’s mouth. 

It’s new, this urgency to be this close. It makes them pause to catch their breath, Izzie’s hand moving from the side of her face. Her palm firm against her pulse before finding its place on the back of Casey’s neck. Izzie’s fingers curling into her hair, and all want or need to keep this urgency at bay snaps. It’s feverish the way they kiss, hands finding hold under school jackets. pulling fervently against shirts that were tucked neatly into skirts. 

And it’s warm out for the season, but still cool enough to make izzie gasp when Casey pushes her shirt up. It’s warm enough out to brave the lunch hour outside, but the air is still cool against her skin. All Casey thinks is that she is impossibly soft yet firm and hardened muscle under her fingertips. What Casey thinks of is how good izzie smells as she kisses her neck, her jaw, where her pulse jumps. 

She thinks it’s new, this coiled and heated knot of nerves in her stomach. It’s causes her to pause, hesitant in her exploration, before izzie pulls her into another slow and deliberate kiss. The kind that causes the feeling of urgency, the kind that cuts all lines of restraint. And they fall into this new kind of dance of push and pull. Of feverish kisses and touches, of legs moving to wrap around or between the others.

It’s a sharp pain in Casey’s shoulder, running along her collar bone, and the sudden sound of the bells that pulls them apart. Neither of their eyes open, both frozen in the moment. They both focus on breathing, on bringing their pulses back to resting before they dare to look at each other. Eyes dark and half lidded, lips bruised and swollen. The dull ache of a bruise forming on collarbone.

“Did you just bite me?” It’s a new thought that bleeds slow into Casey’s mind. The idea of being marked by her. 

“I might’ve gotten carried away.” She loses all thought tracing the lines of her mouth as she forms the words. Thinks she can stay here, like this, forever. 

“Dude... it’s going to bruise.” Let’s Izzie push her away just enough to bring her hand to the spot. Her shirt half unbuttoned and pushed carelessly half off her shoulder. Thinks her touch is too soft as Izzie is careful to trace the bruise now forming. 

“You can hide it...” it’s new, the sound that izzie makes when she kisses her. 

It sets a fine wave of chills down Casey’s spine, and she thinks how she loves the sound of it. Thinks it’s louder than the bells that ring out from the school. Thinks they’ve moved so slow... worked out how to be okay in moments like this, when it’s all so overwhelming. Forgets exactly where they are, until the cold shrill of a whistle cuts between them. 

And it all comes crashing down around them. The cold of the air, the sounds of voices in the distance of the stands. The presence of someone standing watch. Of someone staring them down. 

“I know I said you two have to love each other... but I didn’t mean doing this on my field.” And Casey will say she never blushed before Izzie. Never felt so awkward as then, with them jumping up and back. Falling tangled in each other, stumbling to fix shirts and jackets while avoiding each other’s eyes. “Get to class. And go separately... or at least an arms length apart. I don’t need you two getting detention, not when I get the pleasure of torturing you for this in practice.”

Neither dare make eye contact with her as they gather any garbage and bags they can find. Both rushing to get anywhere that isn’t on that field. They just mutter something close to an apology while pushing past to the fence opening. Trying to keep focus on getting away. Trying to stay focused on anything but what just happened. 

“Upside? I don’t think she saw the hickey...” Until Izzie says that and Casey is drawn back to her. Notes the way her hair is tousled and messy, bits of grass lost in its curls. And it’s suddenly all too funny, all to much for them to do anything but laugh at it. 

“Your hair.” And Casey holds herself from reaching out to pull the grass out. Stops herself from reaching out to touch her again when she still feels slightly lost in that moment. “She’s going to kill us in practice.” 

“Kind if worth it though.” Let’s herself look over the lines of her face. Stopping on her lips, still swollen. Let’s herself step towards her, lets herself straighten out her jacket. 

“Totally worth it.” The kiss is slow, quick and chaste. Thinks she loves the way that izzie leans into her when she puts her arm around her. How they fall into step easily walking back to the building. Thinks it feels like it’s shifted, no longer slow and deliberate.


	4. I’ll list the things about you...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey counts until the 17th minute before pausing the movie to make sure that Izzie’s asleep. Thinks she doesn’t like when Izzie does this... thinks the next thought too sudden and too much. Let’s it soak into her skin, her bones, echo out to fingertips. How her pulse races, her muscles tense then relax, like she’s exploding out of the blocks.

The thing that Casey doesn’t like about Izzie... is how unpredictable she can be in her emotions. How she draws away when something is happening with her mom. How she holds things in until she snaps and forces them to confront whatever the issue is. How she can think she’s alone with all these thoughts, with this fear of what they’re doing. 

The thing Casey doesn’t like is that Izzie doesn’t think Casey is confused by all of these... things. That she isn’t as overwhelmed by it all. Hates that she won’t talk to her about it until something happens, until she’s ready to snap. 

The things she likes about Izzie... well they are too many for her to really count. She likes the way Izzie fits into her life, how she fits into the spaces around her. She likes that she asks her questions, waits for her to answer. Casey likes how patient Izzie can be, whether it’s with Sam or her own siblings. She likes how easily she gets along with Elsa, with her dad. Always polite, always understanding of what Casey is thinking or feeling. No Izzie does’t judge, she just lets her explain, lets her just feel. Unless she thinks Casey is being dumb, then she tells her to work it out.

She likes how Izzie holds her hand between classes. How she has to lean up on to her toes to kiss her. She likes the way she plays with her hair, like it’s an absent minded habit. Casey likes how she laughs, and all the different ways she smiles. She likes the clothes she wears, the taste of her lip gloss. The feel of her hair in her hands when it’s down, likes to kiss her neck when it’s up, pull it loose when she’s allowed to. Casey likes watching her when she’s focused on something else, like her school work, or running on the track. Casey likes so many things about her that it hits her hard, like someone has punched her in the stomach, when she doesn’t like something Izzie does.

Like today.

Casey doesn’t like that Izzie isn’t answering her phone after what happened last night. She doesn’t like how she’s questioning everything she did. Of what she could have done wrong to have made her run. She hates that she can’t pin point the act, or the words that put her on edge. That forced whatever this is. This distance. This silence. 

Casey hates that she can’t think of anything specific. She just lists the nights progression as a way to make sense of it. They didn’t have practice so they decided to go for pizza. Thought since Evan wasn’t supposed to be working, Don’s would be safe. And though he wasn’t there when they arrived or ate, Casey still felt on edge that he could appear at any minute. he didn’t show, there were no signs of him. No reason for them to be anything but okay. 

They went to Casey’s next, with plans to study, with plans to just hang out. And they did, Casey laid with her head on Izzie’s legs. Izzie idly played with her hair as they focused on their homework. Like they’d done for the weeks they’ve been together. Like they’ve just fallen into the habit of doing when they’re cuddled next to, on, or around each other. Even the way Izzie’s hand eventually fell to Casey’s neck and shoulder, and then the way she traced the lines of her collar bone. It was nothing new, nothing they haven’t done since that hour alone on the field. 

In the weeks following, after the embarrassment of being caught by their coach, they’ve fallen into an act. They play distracted by things like homework, family, movies, or any set thing they can focus on, anything outside themselves. See they play distracted while settling into the space around and between each other. They play distracted by idle hands playing with hair, or the softness of skin just barely exposed. See they’ve gotten used to, or at least Casey thinks she has, the idea of kissing always being in the back of their mind. 

Casey has gotten brilliant at the act of paying attention to the things around her when Izzie is always her focus. She’s incredibly proud of that, especially now that the feeling of urgency has stayed. it has somehow permeated in the air between them, sunk into their skin. It has stayed and grown in every kiss, every hand hold and become so overwhelming when they’re sat close together. Like the feeling Casey first felt when she realized she wanted to kiss her, only intensified. 

It’s confusing and embarrassing to hold it all in, to let it linger on their breath. And Casey knows that it’s a feeling of want... of want of something she doesn’t know if she’s ready for. Thinks it’ll all be different with Izzie than it was with Evan. Lists those out in neat lines as a way to work it out. See kissing Evan was... nice, she hates to describe it like that but it’s what it was. It was nice, and never overwhelming, never all consuming. It didn’t burn like embers in her stomach, it didn’t hum in her chest, echo out to her finger tips. It was nice and it was safe feeling. But with Izzie... it feels as if it’ll burn her whole. 

She hates that she thinks to talk to Elsa about it. Finds it sitting heavy on her tongue, awkward in her mouth, this want to voice these thoughts, these feelings. And she doesn’t because that would be mortifying... it would be too much, and she’d be left raw, exposed. So she hasn’t, doesn’t and won’t. Thinks she can work it out on her own, or at least be brave enough to broach the topic with Izzie. Knows she won’t, she won’t until something snaps, until she’s either forced to run or confront it. And that’s a thing about Izzie she doesn’t like, the confrontation. Or the way she holds it all in until it snaps.

And maybe that’s what it was, what the cause of this sudden silence, this sudden distance between them. The idea that this feeling, these overwhelming acts they’ve been stumbling through, will snap. And it seems so much bigger than Casey thought it would. Feels heavy and thick, as if her limbs are suddenly weighed down. 

She sits on her window seat, her phone set by her feet. Just far enough that she’s not touching it, she doesn’t want to touch it knowing that Izzie hasn’t responded yet. But still close enough for her to watch, close enough to feel like it’s something ominous. She sits trying to ignore the wrinkles in her bed spread, the way her school work is hap hazardously set on her end table. She tries to ignore that she left her bed, refused to return to it after Izzie left, after she ran. Since she was left dazed in that urgency that felt too overwhelming. Confused by the sudden space, the sudden rush of Izzie gathering her shirt, her books, and her jacket.

The sudden and rushed, “I’ve got to- it’s- I need to go.”

The thing that Casey hates about Izzie is how utterly lost she is in everything she feels about her. Like now... right now, she feels panicked. Panicked by the thought that Izzie won’t answer, that she may never answer her again, and that they, whatever they are, will end. The panic sits as a stone in her throat, a burn of tears behind her eyes. And she thinks she knows now, what had driven Izzie to run. 

Casey wants to say that she fought to study. Spent her time trying to keep her mind on the words of her notebook and not the too soft touch of Izzie’s hand on her collar bone, her sternum. She tried to let the words sink in. Tried to keep the sudden feeling of urgency, of kissing her, touching her, all of it so overwhelming... all things she can now name simply as want. 

The thing is, it’s an act. The whole paying attention to anything outside of her, is an act. And the thing about that, about holding it in, is how it builds until it just... snaps. It’s a line they’ve been walking, verging on crossing to the point of falling over. A line that blurs when they’re alone, and it’s been happening more and more. When studying, watching a movie, around corners in the hall or in the car. They kiss and fight to stay on just this side of that line. And last night was no different... until it snapped and suddenly it was. 

It started with Izzy playing with Casey’s hair, her hand falling to her neck, that space below her collar bone. It started when Casey gave up all pretences of studying, instead turning her head to know the smell of her. It started when Casey pressed her lips against the bit of skin of Izzie’s stomach laid exposed. And Izzy leaned down to kiss her, slow and languid like she meant it. Causing that feeling of urgency to build, burning the edges of thought. Snapping... and it all became about being closer. About touching her to know just how soft her skin is. Touching to satiate that thrum of energy in Casey’s fingers, in the pit of her stomach.

And they’ve done this all before, kissed and touched while all alone. Casey finds herself touching the bruise on her sternum, shaped by Izzie’s mouth. It all seemed to snap and that urgency became about tearing clothes from each other’s body so that they could be closer, needed to be closer. And she can’t say when or how they moved, but somehow, in someway, Izzie was over her. Izzie with her legs on either side of Casey’s hips, was over her. 

Both of their shirts removed, bras pushed aside or up. Hands clawing at shoulders, scraping abdomens, and hip bones. Their kisses desperate to stay in contact with the other, on necks and jaw lines. Teeth bruising skin, ripping strangled new sounds from throats. Hands hesitant as they dipped beneath the waistline of jeans and track pants. It was nothing new, and they acted as if they were both still in control of the urgency that seemed to burn like embers in the pit of their stomachs. 

And Casey thinks that the act of pretending they could control it all is what made her run. She thinks it’s the fact that she found herself willing to let go all thoughts. All thoughts that she wants to control this overwhelming ache of urgency... felt it pulling too tight, too close to snapping. Found herself pausing, hesitating, just enough to catch her breath... and then out of nowhere, izzie pushed her away. Izzie pushed her away and jumped back from that line they were so close to crossing. 

Left her shaken and ready to fall, grasping for something, anything to hold firm. To steady herself with. She pulled away and ran. 

Casey doesn’t like that Izzie has been ignoring her.

So she’s chosen to sit on the edge of her window, holding all of it in as a way to work it out. She’s wallowing in the confusion, the ache of want, of not knowing what’s coming next. Staring at her phone placed by her foot so as to not touch her, but close enough to read. And she’s so lost in the thoughts of last night that she doesn’t hear her door open. Is too focused on the thought of Izzie that she doesn’t pay attention to her stepping into her room. Feels the pull in her stomach before she even thinks to look up. 

Thinks she wants to be angry, wants to be mad that Izzie ran. Has chosen to stay quiet with all of it held inside. Decided she’s alone in all this with no regard for what Casey’s feeling. She wants to be so many things, but the look on her face. Like she’s been up all night... like she’s scared, breaks all thought. And she finds her resolve to dislike her snap. Stumbles to stand up, to step closer so as to ease the pull in her stomach. 

“Hey.” Feels her heart break at her voice cracking, straining to be something more than hoarse. “... I-.”

“-Don’t say you’re sorry.” Finds the words slipping out without notice. And it feels awkward and tense, like they’re back to that place where they don’t know how to act. Don’t know if they can or should reach out for each other. Finds her want to do all of that just as intense as last night. “I’ve been texting you...”

And Izzie looks everywhere but at her, she plays with her hands, all twisting fingers and nervous energy. She breathes in slow, like she can’t quiet catch her breath... and Casey hates how she makes her feel so confused. She hates the push and pull, how she can be so hot and cold. Hates that she feels stuck in the blocks, ready for the pistol to sound. 

“I know...” thinks her voice is too thin, too soft and uncertain. 

“So you’ve just been ignoring me?” Is proud with how firm her voice is. 

“Yeah... I guess I was.” Tries to keep it steady.

“Why?” Tries to keep it all in.

“You know why.” Thinks she hates those words and how they shake the ground beneath her. 

“Izzie...” stumbles forward a step before pausing at how she seems to freeze. “I didn’t mean to- I...” finds it hard to speak. To organize exactly what she wants to say. “You ran.”

“I freaked out okay.” She hates how Izzie looks about ready to cry. Thinks it breaks something in her chest, like fabric torn and frayed. “... I freaked out because it was too much.”

Finds the words soothing, then thick and heavy. And for all the things that izzie does that she doesn’t like, she still wants to be something comforting to her.

“Yeah... it was.” She wants to comfort her... but she feels just as confused as before. “I thought I’d done something... wrong.”

That pulls her close, makes Izzie step closer, but not close enough to ease the tension in Casey’s stomach.

“No.” Thinks that it will only ease with Izzie’s touch. “No. You did nothing wrong... kind of the opposite.”

“The opposite?” She blushes at how she seems to only repeat her words back as questions.

“Newton...” feels the blush burn as Izzie does that thing where she bites her lip, her cheeks tinted pink. And Casey feels as scared as she did on the track. But the wrinkle of her bed spread in the corner of her eye, all the kisses they’ve shared makes her bold enough to reach out. 

“Why’d you run?” Pulls her hands apart gently, with a tentative touch. Feels this ache in her stop snap as Izzie turns her hand so that they’re palm to palm. 

“I really like you,” she holds the laugh on the top of her tongue, lets it out as a smile. “I’ve never felt like this before... kind of scared by how big it always feels.”

Lets her focus on holding her hand, wonders if she can feel her pulse racing.

“You know I’m scared too.” Wants to say so much more, but doesn’t know how or what. “It’s so different with you... like Evan, being with Evan was nice. It was okay... but everything about you, with you... it’s overwhelming.” 

It’s not enough, the words fall flat but they’re all she can think to say.

“We’ve just been kind of going super fast with this whole girlfriends thing and last night...” girlfriends. It’s the first time she’s heard her say that word, first time it hasn’t been implied or stated by someone outside of them. It settles into Casey’s stomach, easing the feeling of panic. 

“We’ll slow down-“

“-no, that’s- that’s not what I meant.” Casey loves how she blushes, like she’s just finished a sprint, her cheeks the colour of something warm.

“I don’t want to do anything that’s going to... freak you out. I don’t want to scare you.” And she knows she shouldn’t step so close, but she needs to be close to her. Feels it always. “It’s just... hard to explain this.”

“Yeah I know what you mean... it’s scary because you’re the person I talk to about things like this.” And her stomach drops at Izzie’s hand on her stomach. “Things like how I can’t get you out of my head... how much I always want to kiss you or touch you or just... hold your hand.”

Izzie’s breath on her neck, the softness of the skin on her hip. The catch in her breathing, it makes her slow in her movement, slow in choosing her words.

“How it all feels right?” 

“Yeah.” She wants to kiss her if only to prove that she’s here. 

“It scares me too... scares me because I don’t know if I can stop this feeling. Because I know I don’t ever want to stop and I don’t want it- our... I don’t want to rush it. But it feels like I don’t have any control over that-“ says the words against her mouth, not yet touching but so close

“-like it’s going to-“ thinks the distance, or lack of, is too much. 

“-snap.” And the kiss is harsh, and bruising but slow. The feeling of want, and all that it’s made of, burns like embers in her stomach. Only now the sense of urgency is less chaotic, less wild. So she lets it settle between them, leans her forehead against hers. “I really want you... but I don’t want to rush it. I don’t want to do something wrong that’ll make either of us regret this.”

“So you’re okay with slow?” She thinks about kissing her again.

“Forehead promise that I’m okay with it.” The thing Casey likes most about Izzie, is how pretty she looks when she laughs. “Watch a movie with me?”

“Here?” Hears the hesitation in her voice as she glances over the unkempt bed. 

“Come on nerd i barely slept last night and we just promised to keep it PG.” Pulls her toward it, makes sure to keep her space. 

“Ok but I get to choose.” Bites the reply that she’ll just fall asleep so it doesn’t matter back. 

Just nods her head and sets the laptop up, sighs into the way that Izzie leans in to her. Pulls her close, letting her head fall to her shoulder. Casey counts until the 17th minute before pausing the movie to make sure that Izzie’s asleep. Thinks she doesn’t like when Izzie does this... thinks the next thought too sudden and too much. Let’s it soak into her skin, her bones, echo out to fingertips. How her pulse races, her muscles tense then relax, like she’s exploding out of the blocks. 

She loves her.


	5. The difference between...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The difference between being Izzie’s friend and her girlfriend is small. Aside from now being able to kiss her, hold her hand, or touch her, Casey gets to date her. And it’s those subtleties, of doing all the things they did before only sat closer, turned into each

The difference between being Izzie’s friend and her girlfriend is small. Aside from now being able to kiss her, hold her hand, or touch her, Casey gets to date her. And it’s those subtleties, of doing all the things they did before only sat closer, turned into each. Always touching each other, either knees touching, legs over or under the others. or hands laid on the small of a back, thigh or locked palm to palm, that make the difference. 

They still watch movies, only now aren’t scared of the lack of space between them. They still hang out with friends, only always next to each other. They do everything they did as friends, only they’re together. And it’s a small difference, but it is a difference that took them awhile to navigate. Something they were slow to become comfortable in, but now that they are, it’s everything. 

The difference between being Izzie’s friend and dating her is the small things. She knows that to keep Izzie awake through a movie it needs to be in a theatre with other people. She learned that Izzie will cling to her arm, bury her head in her shoulder, if it’s a scary movie. Knows the way she likes her popcorn, how she prefers candy over chocolate. Knows she’ll have to get up to go to the bathroom mid way through because she downs half her drink in one go. 

Casey knows now that if Izzie suggests some rom-com when they’re watching it in one of their rooms. It’s because Izzie wants a reason to snuggle close with her legs thrown over and under her own. Her head tucked between shoulder and sternum. She knows that to keep her awake during the movie she needs to let her draw elaborate patterns into the skin of her stomach. Fight not to squirm from her touch, wait until she shifts just slightly, and all her attention turns to placing feather light kisses to her jaw and neck. 

Casey has learned how Izzie likes her lattes, never straight coffee. Smiles at the way she always blows into it, lets it cool until it’s just barely warm before drinking it. That she likes to lean against her when she studies or reads in the booth of the coffee shop. And she thinks it’s cute how she seems unsettled, fidgeting in her seat, until she can touch some part of her. 

She’s learned the weight of her gaze as they sat anxious across from each other in restaurants. Felt it before she catches her staring through lashes, lip caught between teeth. Likes how she laughs when Casey reads the menu in whatever terrible accent she decides. Lost herself in the way Izzie inches her hand closer, first brushing fingers over her hand. Then the way she will turn so her palm is facing up, and traces its lines. Presses her thumb to her pulse before learning the flex of her forearm. 

She’s learned that Izzie likes to share food, holding forks or spoons ready for her to taste. That she doesn’t hesitate to steal French fries, or anything really, from Casey’s plate. Has learned that protesting will get her nothing but a smile, or if they’re dating, a chaste kiss to her cheek.

And they’ve been doing this whole dating thing for months. Thinks they’ve decided on sometime between the end of October and the middle of November. Doesn’t think to really count the days or weeks, just thinks it’s been a few months. Knows their first date was a scary movie over winter break. Their first dinner at the beginning of January. that night where it became too much and they were forced to confront it not much later. Thinks it’s all been moving fast and slow, but that it’s all in the subtleties. 

Casey thinks she wants to note the dates, write them down into lists just to know their progression. She doesn’t because Elsa snoops, and these are all things she wants kept close. Close enough so that only she and Izzie know. Like the way it feels to dance close to her at some party or another. Finds the way the move instep like the push and pull of a dare. A dare to make the other step over that line, snap, first. 

Dancing with Izzie always starts out easy, careless moves and big steps. starting in big groups before they fall into forgetting to pay attention to anything outside of them. Dancing with Izzie always starts as an ache of nerves in her stomach. Eases into that feeling of being pulled into the spaces around her. Loses all focus but the feel of her hands, her touch too soft, her breath on her neck. And they play a game of keeping that line between them, always inching closer to its edge. 

Until it all ... snaps. 

The difference between being Izzie’s friend and her girlfriend is that Casey knows how she kisses. First as just lips pressing lips, that feeling of urgency building like embers being stoked. She knows now that Izzie likes to be the one to takes their shirts off. Let’s her control the pace at which she does so as not to scare her. Has found the way she straddles her, legs on either side of her hips, nothing less than intoxicating. She’s learned to control that feeling of urgency, fights to stay on just this side of it. 

Finds it all build until it... just snaps.

The whole spring dance thing was dumb, and they played around the idea of going. Cracking jokes, and dreaming up ideas of terrible dresses and suits. And a thing that Casey should know better, is that she can’t joke about such things around Elsa. Thought the look of excitement on her face near mortifying. Thinks she should know better than to argue with her, when she knows she’ll lose. Finds it all kind of dumb that she lets her drag them both separately out shopping. 

Plays up the look of fear in her eyes when she threatens to buy a green suit. Gives into her pleading and lets her buy something from the thrift store. Refuses to sit for measurements or adjustments. Does her own hair and make up. Calls it stupid that she’s making them get ready separately. Tries to bribe Sam to run interference, only punches him twice when he says no. Thinks putting up with all the annoying things Elsa does worth it when she finally gets to see Izzie. Her hair half up, the dress a dark red, tailored and far shorter than she’d think Elsa would ever allow. 

What she think first and most prominently is that she loves her. 

She hasn’t said it, is too scared to say it, but she thinks it. She thinks it when Izzie is focused on her task at hand. When she’s leaned into her, wether they’re hanging out with friends or watching a movie. She thinks it when she kisses where her pulse jumps on her neck. When they’re dancing, both on just this side of some boundary. She doesn’t say it, but she thinks it. 

They played along to the act of pictures and stern warnings from Doug, before Casey finally pulls them away. And it’s something different about tonight that has her nervous as she drives. Makes her hesitate for a moment before pulling Izzie’s hand away from the radio. Thinks she loves the way she sings along even when she doesn’t know the lyrics. Let’s her thoughts drift to how different it all feels between dating Izzie and Evan. Feels pangs of guilt and embarrassment that she even thinks it.

The dance is as pretty as you’d think, all hand crafted decorations and linen table cloths. They find their friends and teammates, sneak sips of vodka from flasks. Dance as close as the teachers let them before Izzie stops sudden. Until she freezes, all tense muscle and shallow breaths against Casey’s neck. And one of the things that Casey hates about Izzie is how uncertain she can make her feel. See Izzie freezes, and Casey starts to panic in her search for what she did wrong. Feels confused when Izzie grabs her hand so they’re palm to palm and pulls her away. 

Thinks they fought to go slow, settled in to the feeling that they can just reach out for the other. Finds her resolve to not give in to this feeling of urgency tear and fray, as Izzie pushes her hard into the lockers. Just a corner away from the crowd of the dance, she pushes her into the lockers. Let’s her hand move from the space between her collar bone and sternum, to her pulse beating double. Thinks the kiss burns the edges of thought, coils tight in her stomach to the point of snapping. Gasps into her mouth, desperate to be closer. Always wants, needs to be closer. 

Feels dazed, confused by the sudden space between them, before thinking to look at her. Thinks she’s never seen eyes that black or deep. Wonders if hers are the same.

“How cliche is it if I tell you my grandma has the kids tonight?” She can hear the words but finds no meaning to them. Can’t think past the want to keep kissing her.

“No idea what you’re talking about, crazy.” Kisses her hard, and desperate, just to be closer. 

“Casey-“ she swallows the words, “Casey-,” feels them hum against her tongue. “Gardner.”

Feels her hands on her shoulders pushing her back, can’t think why they’re stopping.

“What?!” Tries to stop the sudden stop and start of her heart beat. Tries to ignore the way her pulse races electric, and everything feels desperate.

“Come over.” Those words register, and it clicks into place just Izzie is saying. 

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah?” Feels confused, excited and suddenly so nervous she’s scared. 

“Yes... you dork.” Feels it all fade into something warm in her stomach as Izzie learns her head against hers. Thinks she loves her when she kisses her, chaste and unsure. 

“Okay let’s go.” Pushes past her, hands holding firm. Wonders if she can feel her pulse racing. If she can feel her hands tremble. 

And the drive over is silent, just hands touching exposed skin. Kisses stolen at stop signs and street lights. That feeling like their pushing back into the blocks, ready to explode. Casey lets the car idle by the curb of her apartment building, looking anywhere but at her. Afraid she’ll say something, do something wrong... wants desperately to do nothing wrong. And she doesn’t mean to jump at her touch, feels her muscles tense then relax as Izzie turns her palm up. Traces its lines before placing too soft a kiss to its skin. 

She thinks she loves her. Wants to say it. Feels the words sitting heavy in her chest, filling lungs with air too thick. Finds them thick in her throat, tries desperately to memorize the lines of her face. Thinks she so pretty, even in the half glow of the street light. And she wants to say it, feels it building like it does a race. She’s set in the blocks, muscles tense, ready to explode, counts her breaths down to the sound of the pistol.

“I love you.” Let’s it echo in the space between and around them. Holds her breath out of fear that she’ll scare her. Thinks this urgency, the pull in her stomach, fray just a bit more. 

“I love you too.” 

And it’s a warmth she can’t explain, like the embers have caught flame. Feels them licking at finger tips and toes, eating away at the unease, the uncertainty trapped in her chest. Leans her head forward against hers, just to be close to her. 

“I really... love you.” Thinks it feels like the car when they went looking for slurpees.

“I really love you too.” Wants to laugh at how she seems to just be repeating her, but holds it on her tongue. Let’s it out as a smile, before thinking she can kiss her. 

She kisses her.

She kisses her slow, hoping to convey just how much she means it. Pauses to memorize the way Izzie smiles into the kiss, how she blushes and looks away before stepping out of the car. Runs around the car so she can take her hand, lets her guide them to the door step. Feels dazed and slightly intoxicated by the fact she’s said it. Feels light, like she has to fight to keep grounded, at the fact she said it back. Thinks it’s crazy that she loves her back. 

Thinks over every confusing moment, every brash act and false step they’ve taken. Feels how solid the ground beneath her feet are, and it hits her sudden. The need to say it again. To make her believe her. 

“Hey... wait a minute?” Notes how she still turns the key, twists the door knob. “I just... Just I don’t want you to think we have to... you know. That’s not why I said it. I just- I really wanted- have been wanting, or feeling like... that.” Finds herself stumbling over everything, finds it all so overwhelming in her need to make her believe it. 

“Newton.” Thinks her touch is too soft. “I just want to be... near you. If that makes sense?”

“Yeah... it does.” And this isn’t a line they can come back from. It isn’t something they can pretend didn’t happen or ignore to the point that it snaps. This will change them... be that big difference in being friends and being girlfriends. 

“I love you.” Casey thinks she wants to hear her say that always.

“I love you...” swallows thick the unease that comes with those words, with stepping through that doorway.” so much that it’s kind of scary.” 

Let’s her kiss it all away, until the only thing she knows. The only thing she feels, is how much she loves her. How desperate she is to be close to her.

“I know.” Feels her whisper it against her lips before kissing deeper. 

And to try and trace the progression of the night. From hurried hands that claw at Izzie’s dress, Casey’s suit, to this feeling familiar but not. And it’s nothing like Casey thought it would feel like, not quite awkward as she fumbles with the zipper on her dress. Kind of funny how Izzie rips at the last of the buttons on her shirt, like it’s the most logical thing to do. And this is nothing they haven’t done, kissed skin and torn moans from the others throats. They’ve touched, clawed marks into the others skin. Pushed and pulled, hips bucking, lost in the thought of being closer. Lost in the need to be closer.

Only they don’t hesitate, and that feeling of urgency isn’t so wild or chaotic. No everything kind of slows, and it isn’t awkward like Casey thought it’d be. She’s slow and careful in her actions, eyes locked onto Izzie’s, as she reaches down to touch her. Loses all sense of control over the sounds that slip uneven from her throat. 

Thinks first of how wet Izzie is, then how soft she is. Groans at the way she tugs on her hair, desperate for her attention. How uneven and needy the kiss becomes as she stumbles over something hard. Does it again, and again and again. until Izzie claws at her shoulder, pulling her closer. And it’s slow, just a sharp intake of breath from Izzie, as Casey pushes into her. She hesitates, suddenly feeling unsure, and insecure. So she kisses her because she knows she can, lets it build like a knot in her stomach. Falls into a slow pace that moves like the push and pull rhythm they know. 

And she thought this would be more overwhelming. That it’d feel like falling, and she would have no control. Thinks that it’s all more like swimming, everything that’s coursing through her. How much she wants her, how much she loves her. How right it all feels. Like instead of these feelings pulling her down, giving way and swallowing her whole. They move around her like water. 

So she gives into it all, lets that idea of control she had snap. Gives into the need to kiss her, the want to bite her shoulder, pinch her and push, pull, tear some sound she’s never heard before. Think how it all feels so overwhelmingly right as Casey tenses, freezes for a moment then... relaxes into her. Muscles trembling under her, eyes closed, mouth slightly open like she can’t catch her breath. Casey thinks she loves her.

Whispers it into the skin of her stomach, over her sternum and collar bone. Says it into her mouth, lays her forehead against hers. Thinks she’s never seen eyes as black or deep as hers in that moment... finds herself confused, with izzie above her. Thinks her touch, now firm, desperate and rough, burns. Feels her heart beat double, then pause as she presses her thumb on her clit. Sighs out when she enters her... thinks it’s all so different.

Thought it would be something consuming. Was afraid it would be anything less than that. Finds it’s nothing like falling, more like the feeling of something tight in her core. Muscles tense, and it’s not an explosion. There are no fireworks, it’s this feeling of floating in water. 

Being in love with her. It’s like floating.

The difference between being Izzie’s friend and her girlfriend. Is that she gets to hold her when they fall asleep.


End file.
